Crazy Priests, Vampires and Hamsters Do Not Mix
by yaoivampire
Summary: A HamtaroHellsing crossover I had to do for a challenge. Alucard x Anderson maybe Hamtaro x Jingle full summary inside.
1. Chapter 1

-1My challenge was to write a Hellsing/Hamtaro crossover, using Columbus Day as a plot device. if you can't tell, all hamsters are human in this story. Since they are human, I thought it unlikely they would have owners, so I simply made them part of their ex-owner's family. I have never seen Hamtaro before, so I caught the tail end of it on YouTube and read up a bit on them on their official website, and sort of winged it from there. So sorry if their OOC. This will be AndersonxAlucard and probably JinglexHamtaro. Possibly Maxwell(the hamster)xDexter. There will definitely be loss of innocence (NOT like _that_ you pervs.) and general stupidness. Hell, it's a Hellsing/Hamtaro crossover, it's bound to be a little stupid. Probably will take this down later for revisions since I didn't do a rough draft, just typed it up. Enjoy!

I - Ah (And any variation, ie. I'm, I'll, etc.)  
And - An'  
You - Ye  
Your - Yer  
What - Whit  
To - Teh

Anderson rested his feet on his desk, leaning back in his chair. The priest was currently bored as all hell. In order to appear like they were doing something, the Knights of Columbus had declared Columbus Day an official holiday, on which there would be no work. To work on this day would be to commit heresy. To Anderson, that meant no trying to kill that heathen, Alucard. Which meant boredom. Horrible, mind-numbing boredom. "Father Anderson?" A soft voice sounded from the doorway, startling Anderson, causing him to fall backwards in his chair. The voice giggled and Anderson quickly righted himself, and turned to face a small child. "Randy? Whit is it that ye want, my child?"

"One of the nuns told me someone had come all the way to the Vatican to see you." Anderson nodded, letting the orphan lead him. Whoever it was, he was bound to be more interesting than just sitting around.

Hamtaro was sitting on the couch, munching on sunflower seeds, and watching T.V. His sister, Laura, was gone for the day, out on a school fieldtrip. He was just about to go play some video games, when there was a knock on the door. He answered it to see Jingle, Maxwell, and Dexter. "Hey, what's up?" Hamtaro said, then frowned a bit when he noticed something different about Jingle. He was at least 5'6". The last time Hamtaro had seen Jingle, he had been 5'1 ½". Another one of his friends had had a growth spurt. "What is the matter, Hamtaro?" Dexter asked, noticing the frown. "Jingle is taller than me now," Hamtaro confessed, "that makes all my friends." Maxwell shook his head, "No, what about Bijou and Penelope, they're both shorter than you." Hamtaro sighed, "They don't count, they are younger than us."

"Well, how about we take a walk in the woods? That always cheers you up." Dexter said. "Okay." Hamtaro agreed and grabbed his coat before leaving. It was cold days like these that made him wish he had fur.

Anderson stood, tense, waiting for his visitor to make his move. He had sent Randy on his way and commenced with growling at the man who had come to see him. "Alucard." Anderson ground out the beast's name. "Father," Alucard said, completely at ease. "Whit are _ye_ doin' here? Whit do ye want?" Alucard smiled, "I heard you weren't supposed to work today." Anderson just growled. "Aw, what's the matter, Paladin? Not allowed to play?"

"Shut up, ye inhooman monster. Ah'll kill ye, ah will." Alucard just laughed. "Well, priest, I just learned a new trick." Anderson raised an eyebrow, "Oh, an' whit's that?" Alucard shrugged, "I don't know what it does, but it couldn't hurt to try."

"Ye demon! Yer going teh git us both killed with yer damned black magic!" Alucard shrugged and executed his "new trick," at first, it seemed like nothing happened, but then the sky tore open.

Hamtaro skipped happily with his friends. He really did love the forest, it was so beautiful, with it's trees, sun shining through the dark green leaves, and happy little woodland creatures scurrying through the forest. He was so transfixed by the beauty, that he stopped watching where he was going and tripped over a tree root. "Gah!" He shouted out, dreading the eventual impact. The impact never came. Instead, warm arms wrapped around him, keeping him from hitting the ground. Hamtaro was confused for a minute or two, before he looked up to see Jingle looking down at him, holding him. Hamtaro blushed, he had had a crush on his friend for so long, he just never had the guts to tell him. "Uh, Jingle?" Jingle smiled at him, "Yes, Hamtaro?"

"I… uh… I-" Hamtaro never got the chance to finish, for just then, the sky opened up and swallowed them.

Anderson watched the sky tear open, "Aw, look at whit ye did, ye damned beast! Now ye've killed us all!"

"Me? What about you?!" Anderson just growled. "Oh, shut up. Yer just saying that to be anal."

"….. True." Anderson rolled his eyes. Funny, he didn't seem to be dead yet. He squinted at the hole in the sky. Was it just him or was… his focus was interrupted when Alucard threw his arm around him, pulling the priest closer to himself. "Well, isn't this a beautiful way to die? At the hands of my black magic, with my favorite arch enemy, and no police girl in sight." Anderson tried to push the heathen off of him, but Alucard was strong, and part of Anderson's attention was focused elsewhere. "Alucard?"

"Yes, dear priest?" Anderson fought back a snarl. "Is it just me, or is there somethin' falling out of that hole?"

"Hmmm?" Alucard responded lazily, directing his eyes upward. "Yes, I believe there is, perhaps two Dark Angels, come to deliver us to death." Anderson snorted in disbelief, "If that was true, there would only be one angel. Angels don't deliver _infidels_."

"True, you've sinned to much to go to heaven, Father."

"……. Ah hate ye." By the time their bantering was finished, four small teens hit the ground. "Ouch," They groaned. Anderson finally managed to push a very amused Alucard off of him and helped up the children. "Aw, you _do _have a sensitive side." Alucard mused. "Shut up, ye vampire." Anderson snapped, before turning back to the children, "Are ye all alright?" A boy with light carrot colored hair nodded, "Yeah, I think so."

"Good," Anderson smiled. A boy wearing glasses approached him, "Excuse me, uhh," The boy noticed Anderson's collar, "Father, but where might we be?" Alucard held back his laughter. He found it highly funny that a child should refer to Anderson as "Father." Anderson jabbed Alucard in the ribs with his elbow. Alucard glared daggers at him, he wouldn't have cared so much, if he hadn't just found out just exactly _where _Anderson kept those accursed bayonets of his. Alucard rubbed his wounds tenderly. "Yer at the Vatican, my child." Anderson said, in response to the bespectacled teen's question. Alucard was tempted to make a gagging motion, complete with sound effects, in response to this new, tender Anderson, but his side really hurt. So instead, he settled for rolling his eyes. "Alucard, ah think we are finished here, if ye would excuse me, ah have some business teh attend teh. Come on, children, we'll get this straightened out. Just come with me."

Then next thing Hamtaro and his friends knew, they were hurtling towards the ground at top speed. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" They yelled. A split second before they hit the ground, they stopped dead, as if something was attached to them, keeping them from hitting, then that something snapped and they fell the last few feet to the ground. "Ouch," They groaned. Hamtaro looked up to see two men. The blonde was trying to pry the other man off of him, which was strange. Once the man got himself free, he walked over to them, and offered each of them a hand. Hamtaro hesitated before taking it. There was something about the man, both of the men, that frightened him. It wasn't just that they looked so… so wild, but there was something else about them, something… dark. Hamtaro righted himself after being helped up. "Aw, you _do _have a sensitive side." The man in red a cloak said. The blonde, who (by the look of his garb) was a priest, responded with, "Shut up, ye vampire." Hamtaro blinked, confused. _Vampire? Surely the priest was not serious_. "Are ye all alright?" The priest asked. Hamtaro nodded, "Yeah, I think so." He said.

"Good." Dexter next asked the man where they were, and after squabbling with the other male a bit, he answered that they were at the Vatican. The Vatican? Hamtaro thought, thunderstruck, _the Vatican is in _Rome. _How did we get all the way out here? What was that hole? Why is everything here so unfamiliar looking? There is something evil about this place, something that didn't exist back home._ Hamtaro's thoughtswere cut short when the priest spoke again. "Alucard, ah think we are finished here, if ye would excuse me, ah have some business teh attend teh. Come on, children, we'll get this straightened out. Just come with me." Hamtaro and the gang followed.


	2. Chapter 2

-1Anderson stopped walking towards the Vatican main building, noticing that Alucard was following them. "Whit do ye think ye are doing?" He asked Alucard. "What? I want to know what's going on to." Anderson laughed, "An' ye think ye can just waltz in teh the Vatican, you know, the place _filled_ with people that want teh kill ye?"

"You mean the people who are on holiday?"

"FUCK!" Anderson exclaimed, making the four teens jump and squeak in fright. Alucard laughed at them, causing the one with the mohawk to glare at him. When they arrived at the Vatican, the nuns and priests stared at Alucard as he passed. This only served to entertain him, and even went so far as to leer at a few of them, causing them to scurry away at fright. "This whole thing is just one, big stroke to yer ego, isn't it?" Anderson asked him. "Yeah, pretty much." Grumbling something about egomaniacal vampires, Anderson led them to Maxwell's office, and knocked on the door. "Come in." Came the call. Anderson entered and after thirty minutes or so, came back out, "Okay, come on." He led them to a smaller building and brought them inside. "Okay, where are ye all from?" He asked. "We're from the same town in Japan." The brown haired boy answered. "And I'm from Britain."

"Alucard, not you." Alucard grinned. "Well, I guess that hole _Alucard_ made, was some teleportation thing. Whit is yer names?"

"I'm Dexter and this Maxwell, Hamtaro, and Jingle." Anderson raised an eyebrow, Hamtaro and _Jingle_? "And I'm Alucard."

"Alucard, shut up! Fucking vampire."

"Is… is he really a vampire?" Hamtaro asked. "Unfortunately." Hamtaro inched away from Alucard. "Impossible," Maxwell said, "Vampires merely exist folklore and legend."

"Wanna bet?" Alucard said, and grinned, revealing his fangs. He began walking towards Maxwell with slow, deliberate steps, only stopping when he felt the cold blade of one of Anderson's bayonets at his throat. "Ah would rather commit heresy, than let ye harm a child, Alucard."

"Aw, your no fun, Paladin. Alright, alright, put the damned thing away." Anderson glared and put the bayonet on his desk, keeping it out just in case. "Oh, and ah'm Father Anderson."

"My name's Alucard!"

"We know that already! Shut UP!" Alucard just grinned.

Listening to the two men argue was very entertaining to Hamtaro. They seemed to have an almost friendly rivalry. "FUCK!" The Catholic shouted, making Hamtaro jump. Just _what _kind of priest was this guy anyways? He never heard of a priest that shouted random obscenities at the top of his voice. They arrived at the Vatican. Hamtaro watched the nuns and priests scamper away from the black-haired man. He made a mental note to stay away from him in the future.

After the initial introductions (and more bickering from the two men), Maxwell took it upon himself to challenge the existence of vampires. Apparently Alucard didn't like that. _Darn, we are all going to die. Why couldn't Maxwell just keep his mouth shut? _Hamtaro thought. He breathed a sighed of relief when the Father stopped him. But Hamtaro once again had to question what kind of priest he was. He carried around weapons, fought, hung out with vampires, and cussed. In Hamtaro's opinion, he was either a satanic priest, or just really, really bad at his job. "Oh, and ah'm Father Anderson."

"My name's Alucard!"

"We know already! Shut UP!" Hamtaro had to resist the urge to laugh.

"Well, Maxwell is arranging rooms for ye. Until we can ye back teh Japan, ye'll have teh stay here. It might take us a while, as ye know, Tsuyuki Tsung is not in great relations with the pope."

"Tsuyuki Tsung? Who is he, and what does he have to do with anything?"

"What do ye mean, who is he? He is the leader of yer country!" Hamtaro, Dexter, Maxwell, and Jingle looked very confused. "No he isn't, Shinzo Abe is." Maxwell said. "You have amnesia." Alucard said, and pulled out his gun. Leaning over to Anderson he said, "I vote we put them out of their misery." Anderson growled and picked his bayonet up, "Ah vote that ye put that gun down, or ah stab ye with this." Alucard pretended to pout, "Your just no fun." He said, and put the gun away. From the start, Alucard had never intended to harm the children, but he his newfound discovery that Anderson had a soft spot for children was just to delicious to _not_ exploit. Plus, he liked screwing with the teen's heads. They had interesting reactions. Currently, they seemed to have lost all color. "As it is highly unlikely they have amnesia (stupid vampire), ah'm guessing they are probably from another dimension or somethin'."

"Does this sort of thing happen a lot here? You came to that conclusion rather quickly." Dexter said. "Things like this happen more than ah care to say."

"They _could_ be a Nazi experiment. You know, one of Dok's crazy "I got bored, so I did this" experiments." Of course Alucard didn't really believe that, nor did he believe they had amnesia, but annoying Anderson was much too fun. And he wouldn't have an opportunity to do so while remaining unscathed for a whole other year, so Alucard was going to use this to his full advantage. "ARG! SHUT UP YE DAMNED FUCKING HEATHEN MONSTER!"

"Temper, temper Paladin. Your frightening the children." This was true, Hamtaro and his friends were huddled in the corner, staring wide-eyed at the both of them. Anderson offered a sheepish grin, before sitting down at his desk. He opened a large file drawer and took out a large stack of papers, plopping them on the desk surface with a loud THUD! "What are you doing?" Alucard asked, as Anderson began to write on the paper. "Paperwork." Anderson answered, without looking up. "Doesn't that count as work?"

"Not technically. My work is killing infidels like ye. This is just side stuff." An orphan boy entered the room; Anderson looked up. "Davies?"

"Father Maxwell said the rooms in Wing 900 are ready. And Sister Sara said if you don't come down to dinner this instant, she'll come up here and beat you out." With that, Davies left. "Ooo Father's in trouble! Sister said she'll beat him!"

"Shut up Alucard."


	3. Chapter 3

-1The Vatican only had two available rooms, so Jingle and Hamtaro shared one room, while Maxwell and Dexter shared another. After showing the boys their rooms, Anderson headed back to his office to finish his paperwork. "So, where's my room?" A voice sounded behind him. Anderson clenched his jaw, "Alucard. Go. Home." He forced out through his anger. "No." Anderson spun around, fists clenched. "An' why not?"

"Solely for the fact you can't do anything about it."

"Have ah mentioned the fact that ah hate ye?" Alucard grinned, "Several times, actually."

"Whit do ye want, ye damned monster?" Alucard just continue to smile. Anderson grumbled and sat down in his desk. He picked up his pen and went to work. He hadn't been writing for more than two minutes, when a nun came bustling in, a bible in her hands. She walked straight over to Anderson and began beat him over the head with the heavy book. Anderson tried to protect himself with his hands, but it was useless. "How. Many. Times. Do. I. Have. To. Tell. You? Do. Not. Be. Late. For. Meals!" She punctuated each word with a thwack to Anderson's head. Alucard punctuated each thwack with a fresh burst of laughter. "Sister Katie worked hard to make a special Columbus Day meal and your late! Again! Your setting a bad example for the children! Now get your butt down there!" Anderson bolted out of his office, with the sister throwing the Bible and other random office supplies after him. Once Anderson was gone, the nun turned to Alucard. "And what are _you_ doing here?" She asked. "I… presume… your… Sister Sara?" He said between his laughter. She hmphed, walking over to the desk. "You presumed right." She said stiffly. She picked up the bayonet and frowned. "If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times. Don't leave weapons laying around, the children could hurt themselves with them. Jeez, he lives in the Vatican, not a butchery." And with that, she left, bayonet in her hand. Alucard was having trouble getting his laughter under control.

"How long do you think it will take them to get us back home?" Hamtaro asked. "I do not know, it might be a while." Said Dexter. "I don't know guys, am I the only one not buying this whole "other dimension" thing? I mean, it seems pretty far-fetched to me. That and the supposed vampires." Said Maxwell. "Oh, you say that _now_, Maxwell. But earlier, you were ready to wet yourself with that Alucard guy." Jingle said. Maxwell just hmphed. A few minutes later, Davies, who seemed to be the official messenger boy for the day, popped in to tell them to come down for dinner.

Once at the dining room, they sat down with the other orphans. There was an empty seat near Hamtaro and a boy leaned over to tell him that the seat belonged to Father Anderson, who was _always _late for meals. Hamtaro wasn't surprised by that news. From what he's seen, the priest was pretty irresponsible. Just then Father Anderson came bolting in, sporting a few bruises. Hamtaro was also not surprised that nobody seemed to bat an eye. They were all used to it by now. With Father Anderson present, they could begin Amen, which the Ham-Hams participated in, even if they weren't Catholic, just so they wouldn't seem rude. (Later, they found this out to have been one of their better ideas, as they would learn that most Non-Catholics tended to be skewered.)

As Father Anderson, Hamtaro and co. were enjoying their dinner, Alucard was generally making a nuisance of himself with the few nuns and priests not at dinner. When he got bored frightening the Holy, he went back into Anderson's office. "Hm, what else can I screw with?" Then he spied the paperwork, and he chuckled, which turned into a laugh, which turned into a downright evil cackle.


End file.
